Availability to Others During the Holidays

by Irene Schiff

Speaking well is not only something public speakers can do, we are all able do so.

We don't mean knowing how to speak in an eloquent or articulate manner which is not necessarily a skill everyone has. We are rather referring to the ability to speak in a friendly manner and to convey positive messages. How often are we in a position to witness malice or do we ourselves contribute to spreading or even creating spiteful messages? When this happens we are not even all that aware of the grief we can cause. On the contrary, we wish to inform a friend in all kindness about the behaviour of a common acquaintance "you probably don't know this, but you should know that..." and this is how we think our malicious gossip is even turning into something beneficial. Could that friend criticize us? Should we have feelings of guilt? Absolutely not!
We are also motivated to spread certain news because of the desire or the need (there are various reasons for this but the effect is the same) to look like we are on top of things, and in a world based on communication, this is seen as a quality. Case dropped!
There can be another motive hidden in malicious gossip: to give consideration to the person we are speaking to.
It is as though we are saying to that person: "Look, I am telling you this sensitive information because I know that you can understand me, that you won't tell anyone", all in all forgetting the famous oneliner "Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends."
To confide in someone contributes to creating a special bond between two people as though they belong to a secret sect.
These are the few reasons that may entice us to not speak well of someone, but are we so sure that if we were in that other person's shoes we wouldn't do the same? Is it not that we criticize only because we envy that person who has had the courage to do what we would have liked to do, but we lacked that courage? Whatever it is, speaking badly of someone always sheds a negative light on us. There are so many beautiful things to say, at least during the Holidays, it is possible to be a better person or at least... we can try!
Let's now try to be better than we are and to respond to the following questions with honesty. If you are doing this little test with a friend and that friend gets a low score, let's not spread the news around!


Test: Availability to Others During the Holidays

1) You can't stand your mother-in-law and it's her birthday:
a) you ignore the date
b) you call her
c) you visit her

2) Your friends have organized a party
but they forgot to invite you:
a) you end the friendship
b) you organize a party and you don't invite them
c) you ask for explanations

3) Someone asks you for a favour which requires little effort:
a) you accept only if they return the favour
b) you gladly accept
c) you refuse

4) You win 50 Euros:
a) you offer all your friends a drink
b) you keep them for yourself
c) you donate half and you keep the other half

5) A colleague seems upset:
a) you ask if she or he has troubles
b) you ignore the fact
c) you take advantage of the opportunity to find a better job

6) In a train, an older person keeps telling you about his or her youth:
a) you sit somewhere else
b) you look like you are interested
c) you excuse yourself and say you want to get some sleep

7) With friends:
a) you decide together
b) you suggest something to do
c) you adapt to the group

8) There is a program that interests you on television and the phone rings:
a) you answer saying that you will call back later
b) you answer in a blunt manner
c) you don't answer

9) You are mainly unhappy about a misunderstanding with:
a) your boss
b) your partner
c) your best friend

10) In the company of friends, there is a conversation about another friend who has succeeded well:
a) you say: "he (or she) deserves it"
b) you say: "he (or she) was recommanded by someone in a high place"
c) you enumerate his (or her) shortcomings

11) In your home, there is a single bed and a couch;
a friend asks you to stay over for the night:
a) he (or she) sleeps in the bed while you sleep on the couch
b) he (or she) sleeps on the couch while you sleep on the bed
c) you say that you can't have him (or her) over

12) You know a piece of gossip about a girlfriend:
a) you tell all your friends right away
b) you tell only one friend
c) you don't tell anyone


13) You would like to have more:
a) friends
b) money
c) power

14) You prefer:
a) Mickey Mouse
b) Donald Duck
c) Scrooge McDuck

15) Your favourite saying is:
a) to give as good as one gets
b) two wrongs don't make a right
c) revenge is best when served up cold

SCORE

Question

A

B

C

1)

1

2

3

2)

1

2

3

3)

2

3

1

4)

2

1

3

5)

3

2

1

6)

1

3

2

7)

3

1

2

8)

3

1

2

9)

1

3

2

10)

3

2

1

11)

3

2

1

12)

1

3

2

13)

3

2

1

14)

3

2

1

15)

2

3

1


EXPLANATIONS

FROM 45 TO 35 POINTS:
SPEAKING WELL OF OTHERS

You spontaneously like to get close to others and establish good relationships. If you are offended by someone, you first tend towards self-criticism, you try to understand before reprehending the other. Your motto is : "there is no time for rudeness"!

FROM 34 TO 25 POINTS:
SPEAKING WELL AND BADLY OF OTHERS

You know that bad-mouthing someone is wrong, but sometimes when you have a little opportunity... You don't necessarily take the initiative, but when it happens you participate.

FROM 24 TO 15 POINTS:
SPEAKING BADLY OF OTHERS

Sometimes we don't speak well of others to make ourselves feel more important, it is as though we were saying: "this I would never do, do you see how superior I am?" But, if we were so superior, why would we need to convince others?